Thursday, September 07, 2017

My logical fallacies are better than your logical fallacies

Stephen Hicks, a Ph.D. philosopher, has posted a list of logical fallacies collected by one Brian McGroarty. I have no idea who Brian McGroarty, although I suspect his name is hard to pronounce -- go on, give it a shot. Since I have no idea who he is, I can't appeal to his authority, although I suspect someone with a doctorate in philosophy knows some stuff. We just don't know which stuff, do we?

Anyway, this is fun. So much fun I'm going to run all of them. Print out this list and have it handy when you watch the evening news this evening.

Ad Hominem:
This is the best logical fallacy, and if you disagree with me, well, you suck.

Appeal to False Authority:
Your logical fallacies aren’t logical fallacies at all because Einstein said so. Einstein also said that this one is better.

Appeal to Emotion:
See, my mom, she had to work three jobs on account of my dad leaving and refusing to support us, and me with my elephantitis and all, all our money went to doctor’s bills so I never was able to get proper schooling. So really, if you look deep down inside yourself, you’ll see that my fallacy here is the best.

Appeal to Fear:
If you don’t accept Appeal to Fear as the greatest fallacy, then THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON. Do you want that on your conscience—that THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON because you were a pansy who didn’t really think that Appeal to Fear was worth voting for, and you wanted to vote for something else? Of course not, and neither would the people you let die because THE TERRORISTS WILL HAVE WON.

Appeal to Force:
If you don’t agree that Appeal to Force is the greatest logical fallacy, I will kick your ass.

Appeal to Majority:
Most people think that this fallacy is the best, so clearly it is.

Appeal to Novelty:
The Appeal to Novelty’s a new fallacy, and it blows all your crappy old fallacies out the water! All the cool kids are using it: it’s OBVIOUSLY the best.

Appeal to Numbers:
Millions think that this fallacy is the best, so clearly it is.

Appeal to Tradition:
We’ve used Appeal to Tradition for centuries: how can it possibly be wrong?

Argumentum Ad Nauseam:
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.
Argumentum ad nauseam is the best logical fallacy.

Begging the Question:
Circular reasoning is the best fallacy and is capable of proving anything.
Since it can prove anything, it can obviously prove the above statement.
Since it can prove the first statement, it must be true.
Therefore, circular reasoning is the best fallacy and is capable of proving anything.

Burden Of Proof:
Can you prove that Burden of Proof isn’t the best logical fallacy?

Complex Question:
Have you stopped beating your wife and saying Complex Question isn’t the best fallacy?

False Dilemma:
I’ve found that either you think False Dilemma is the best fallacy, or you’re a terrorist.

False Premise:
All of the other fallacies are decent, but clearly not the best as they didn’t come from my incredibly large and sexy brain.

Gambler’s Fallacy:
In all the previous talks about this subject, Gambler’s Fallacy won, so I just know the Gambler’s Fallacy is going to win this time!

Guilt by Association:
You know who else preferred those other logical fallacies?
*(insert pictures of Hitler, Stalin, and Pol Pot here)*

Non Sequitur:
Non Sequitur is the best fallacy because none of my meals so far today have involved asparagus.

Post Hoc/False Cause:
Since I’ve started presuming that correlation equals causation, violent crime has gone down 54%.

Red Herring:
They say that to prove your fallacy is the best requires extraordinary evidence, because it’s an extraordinary claim. Well, I’d like to note that “Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary evidence” is itself an extraordinary claim.

Relativism:
Well maybe all those other fallacies are the best for you, but to me, the relativist fallacy is the greatest logical fallacy ever.

Slippery Slope:
If you don’t like Slippery Slope arguments, you will do poorly in class, drop out of school, commit crimes, go to prison, and die of AIDS.

Special Pleading:
I know that everyone is posting about their favorite fallacies, but Special Pleading is out-and-out the best, so it should just win with no contest.

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