Sunday, June 11, 2017

This just in ...


Joel Osteen Dives Off Stage 

To Prevent Man From Opening His Bible


HOUSTON, TX—While preaching a sermon entitled “Claiming Your Comfort Zone,” Pastor Joel Osteen made a diving save from Lakewood Church’s stage Sunday to prevent a man in the front row from opening his Bible and checking the validity of the popular pastor’s words, sources confirmed.

The incident reportedly occurred after Osteen made a claim from the pulpit that the power to speak prosperity into existence is “inside each one of us,” causing a visitor in the front row to furrow his brow and begin leafing through his Bible to find any kind of proof for Osteen’s claims.

The televangelist’s ears perked up at the unfamiliar sound, and he sprang into action, shouting “NOOOOOOOOO!” and making an amazing twenty-foot-long dive into the crowd before snatching the Bible out of the man’s hands at the last possible moment, according to witnesses.

The crowd immediately broke out into applause at the amazing feat, but Osteen merely smiled and pointed upward, giving glory to God for the breathtaking play.

“Prosperity gospel preachers practice this kind of stuff over and over again in seminary, but being able to keep your head on your shoulders in a live sermon situation is something different entirely,” one commentator said. “Osteen’s a pro.”

Film at 11.

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