Tuesday, March 14, 2017

Top Ten signs you won't die in a blizzard

Should have just stayed home.
Veteran blizzard watchers know to look for certain signs that indicate they might live to see another storm. As a public service by The Gumbo Blog Weather Center I'm going to share the Top Ten Signs You Won't Die in a Blizzard.

10. The governor appears at the State Emergency Command Center wearing a State Emergency Command Center jacket and feeling all boss warns the public: "If you don't need to travel, stay home."

 9. The thought suddenly occurs in your gut that you'll actually have to go back to work tomorrow. You get chest pains.

 8. A 6'8' state trooper 100 pounds over weight who flanks the governor at the podium in the State Emergency Command Center with his stetson bound as if welded to his chin by a leather strap and bearing a stern state trooper look he learned in state trooper school steps forward when the governor invites him and sternly warns: "If you don't need to travel, stay home."

 7. A news crew from the local TV station visits a K Mart to show that every last snow shovel has been bought. As the camera pans the empty shelves you suddenly realize how many of your fellow citizens are too stupid to own a snow shovel.

6. You look out the window and say, "That doesn't look like 18 to 24 inches to me."

 5. The local TV anchor who apparently got up too late to touch up her roots says cheerily, "We're going now to Waca Waca where reporter Freda Frymore is standing on the side of the road." Freda sticks a stick in the snow to show how deep it is.

 4. The broadcast is interrupted by the governor in his boss State Emergency Command Center jacket who says, "I am in communication with the White House and there is nothing to worry about. If you don't need to travel, stay home." He's in touch with the White House the same way you are. The main switchboard there, BTW, is (202) 456-1111.

 3. You look out the window again and say, "That doesn't look like 6 to 8 inches to me."

 2. The weather lady at the local TV station suddenly appears looking 40 pounds overweight. This is because you have your screen on zoom. There are 100 buttons on your remote, and you have no idea which one will fix that. The button that reads FWD means "Fat Weather Dude," and it won't do it. There is no button that says "Fat Weather Lady." A pink dress with half the fabric needed to actually cover this rising starlet is not helping things.

And the No. 1 Sign That You Won't Die in a Blizzard:

 1. A local TV reporter sticks a microphone into the driver's side window of a snow plow truck and asks Jake, the snow plow guy, how bad it is out there. Jack sucks on a Camel and slides the back of his hand across three days of beard on the valleys of his hard ridden face, exhales dual two-foot streams from his nostrils and states, "If you don't need to travel, stay home."

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