Thursday, March 30, 2017

This just in ...

Revised Health Care Bill to Cut Costs 
by Not Covering Taco Bell Customers

In an effort to revamp and revive his party’s failed effort to repeal and replace the Affordable Care Act, Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan has introduced a revised version of his proposed American Health Care Act that would eliminate coverage for anyone who frequents Taco Bell.

“We thought about several options, from getting rid of suckers for kids to at-home surgery kits,” Ryan said, “but this change saves us billions of dollars. Not only would this make health insurance more cost-effective, but we can truly help people who haven’t given up on life already.”

In addition to receiving bipartisan support on Capitol Hill, the White House also is backing the bill.

“This is great, I’m excited,” President Donald Trump tweeted. “At first, I didn’t want my name anywhere near the bill. ‘RyanCare’ sounded fine. But the odds are in favor with ‘TrumpCare,’ not ‘RyanCare.’ The public loves me, possibly the most lovable president ever, so go ahead and call it ‘TrumpCare.’ Has a better ring to it, and I love my name on things.”

Trump had plenty to say about Taco Bell, as well.

“Those Taco Bell people are disgusting, horrible people, and since I can’t hate on Mexicans anymore, this is the next best thing,” he later tweeted. He then rambled on about a cat website that made fun of him.

Questions have arisen concerning how Taco Bell consumption would be monitored. However, Ryan insisted the system would work very similar to proposed drug tests for recipients of federal unemployment benefits.

“Americans enrolled in our proposed health care system would be given random Taco Bell tests, in which urine samples are analyzed for Grade-D meats found exclusively in Taco Bell menu items, cat food, and herbal supplements,” Ryan explained. “If you test positive, you lose your coverage.”

When asked why Taco Bell has been exclusively targeted while other fast-food chains have been excluded from his health care bill, Ryan maintained, “No other restaurant is the embodiment of bad decisions. They sell a box of food meant for four people for just five bucks. Why would anyone do this to themselves? It is for this reason, and this reason alone, we are targeting Taco Bell, and it has nothing to do with the newly formed Russian restaurant chain Crimson Taco set to open nationwide next month.”

Nevertheless, Taco Bell officials are optimistic they can keep their customers in spite of being demonized by the federal government.

“While we won’t offer customers health care coverage, we will soon update our menus to include items with health benefits,” Taco Bell spokesman Ben Rist said. “No one will be able to resist our Southwest-style antibiotic hot sauce, nor the zesty Penicillupa.”

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