Flashlight envy

A state trooper told me the other day that a flashlight is a good weapon: it can temporarily blind a bad guy. Just get one that makes 100 lumens or more, he said.

I don't know what I lumen is, but I suspect it's those little particles you see floating around when the sun shines through the window. What I discovered is that you can spend $500 or more on a flashlight and get something that makes tens of thousands of lumens.

So I ordered one that does 220 lumens and cost in the neighborhood of $25. Then a friend of mine up and announces that he has one that makes 300 lumens and cost $130. Where'd you get it? I asked. Well, the sneaky guy ordered it from my favorite online store, Extreme Outfitters, which is run by a bunch of former special ops guys down in North Carolina. I thought I, and the CIA, of course, were the only ones who knew about that store.

I can beat 300. Check out this baby. That's one smokin' flashlight. Trouble is, that puppy weighs "only" nine pounds. So that, as you know, is about seven pounds more than a small Glock. I guess you could just throw the flashlight at a bad guy and save on bullets. This bad boy weighs less but costs more and makes a heck of a lot more lumens, which is what counts.

As for price, if your wife asks what it cost, you just say, "Honey, what do you think a flashlight costs?" She's going to remember one she saw at the grocery story. If she says, "Why do you need another flashlight?" you answer, in a low, conspiratorial voice, "For tactical reasons." She'll understand that it's a guy thing.

What I've discovered is there's a whole underworld of flashlight fighting. And you thought the presidential race was entertaining. Let me ask you -- no, I'm begging you -- to watch the following video for an introduction to this world.



Thank you for watching. I want all of my friends -- both of you -- to watch that again and say to yourself, maybe Terry's not so crazy after all.